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Why?

Everything was going so good, it was so perfect. And then it all crashed and burned. Am I not allowed to be happy? Because that’s what it seems like.
I try so hard to keep everything together, to do things I like, keep myself distracted. I finally found someone who truely makes me happy. For once in my life, I didn’t have to try. I didn’t have to struggle to hold myself together. It all came naturally. I just relaxed and was myself. I was so happy that I just couldn’t get enough of it. I went to bed happy, and woke up happy because I knew I would see her again. And now, everything is ruined. I can’t even be around my family, because I don’t want them to see me like this. The little time that I’ve spent at home since then was spent either me being angry and snapping out at everyone, or me locked in my room listening to loud music or cutting myself up. Or both. I’ve been at school very little, and it means very little to me now. I stay with my best friend Amanda, and it makes things a little easier. I don’t have to hold everything in with her. I can show, and talk about, how I’m really feeling and she doesn’t get freaked out. Because she can relate. Her mom is a saint and has been so good to me. I feel better when I’m with Amanda, because I don’t have to struggle so hard to keep myself in check and put on the fake smile. My birthday is on Saturday, and I think I’m gonna end this once and for all. But, who knows what will happen between now and then. Maybe things will get better. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll see her again and realize why I’ve been fighting so hard to keep it together. But, right now, all I feel is emptiness and loneliness. I’m hollow.
I just needed to get all my feelings out. This is not a suicide threat or note or whatever, I’m just saying that I’ve been pondering the thought. I guess I’ll listen to some music and try to shake off these feelings before I get some sleep.
Big weekend ahead of me.

I love you, Amanda, April, Walt, Taylor, Alyssa, & Delaney. You’re why I’m still here, and why I keep trying to stay strong. I don’t know what I’d do without you.