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Why?

Everything was going so good, it was so perfect. And then it all crashed and burned. Am I not allowed to be happy? Because that’s what it seems like.
I try so hard to keep everything together, to do things I like, keep myself distracted. I finally found someone who truely makes me happy. For once in my life, I didn’t have to try. I didn’t have to struggle to hold myself together. It all came naturally. I just relaxed and was myself. I was so happy that I just couldn’t get enough of it. I went to bed happy, and woke up happy because I knew I would see her again. And now, everything is ruined. I can’t even be around my family, because I don’t want them to see me like this. The little time that I’ve spent at home since then was spent either me being angry and snapping out at everyone, or me locked in my room listening to loud music or cutting myself up. Or both. I’ve been at school very little, and it means very little to me now. I stay with my best friend Amanda, and it makes things a little easier. I don’t have to hold everything in with her. I can show, and talk about, how I’m really feeling and she doesn’t get freaked out. Because she can relate. Her mom is a saint and has been so good to me. I feel better when I’m with Amanda, because I don’t have to struggle so hard to keep myself in check and put on the fake smile. My birthday is on Saturday, and I think I’m gonna end this once and for all. But, who knows what will happen between now and then. Maybe things will get better. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll see her again and realize why I’ve been fighting so hard to keep it together. But, right now, all I feel is emptiness and loneliness. I’m hollow.
I just needed to get all my feelings out. This is not a suicide threat or note or whatever, I’m just saying that I’ve been pondering the thought. I guess I’ll listen to some music and try to shake off these feelings before I get some sleep.
Big weekend ahead of me.

I love you, Amanda, April, Walt, Taylor, Alyssa, & Delaney. You’re why I’m still here, and why I keep trying to stay strong. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

It’s easy to feel like you’re all alone, to feel like nobody knows.

Listening to Mayday Parade Radio on Pandora

& All Time Low comes on. Like, seriously? I love them, but I want to fucking listen to Mayday, dude. Are you kidding me? But then, The Maine comes on & I’m like, hell yess there’s a step up.

Tonight, I cut for the first time in 4 months. I feel so refreshed & calm. Yet, so disappointed & scared.
I mean, yes, I feel better. But, where is it getting me, really? I’m upsetting the people who love me, and mutilating my body in the process. I’m creating scars that will never go away. I’m putting myself at risk of going back to the hospital. I’m upsetting my girlfriend & making her think that her love isn’t enough. (Which of course it is, she makes me happier than anyone else can.) I’m encouraging my sister. I’m freaking my mom out. And most of all..
I’m disappointing myself.
I thought I was strong enough to pull through this addiction. I was doing so good & I just had to go and screw things up.

I want to quit, I’m turning into a self-mutilating monster. I need help /:

I will breathe for love tomorrow, ‘cause there’s no hope for today.

And, you’re beautiful, don’t you know?

I take everything day by day, one step at a time. Because you never know what obstacles might be thrown in your way.

“We will never sleep, ‘cause sleep is for the weak. No, we will never rest, til we’re all fucking dead.”

I feel like the ‘we’ that bmth was referring to here was twilight vampires. As we can all tell, they do not sleep.
Or possibly insomniacs like myself.